Sceptical? Spirituality?

So, it seems that the time has come for me to stop procrastinating and get down to it: my "sceptical spirituality" blog. The title seems rather self-explanatory to me, but I know it isn't, so I will explain what it’s all about. I've always had two very strong and seemingly contradictory instincts within me: the spiritual and the rational. I like to think that they've been passed down to me respectively by my mum (a devout Catholic) and my dad (an atheist, I suppose, though I've never heard him define himself in that way).

As far as spirituality is concerned I've tried a bit of everything. I began by being something of a fundamentalist Catholic. A religious mother and grandmother, a father to whom family dynamics compelled to keep quiet about religious matters, a strictly religious school (there weren't any places left in the more moderate one just down the road, I was told), a self-perpetuating shyness, and an unwavering fear of damnation succeeded in making me a good Catholic boy. Apart from these external circumstances, I did have a real (natural?) interest in religion, philosophy, psychology and all that deep stuff.

For many years fear of hell alone was what fuelled my piety. At around fifteen or sixteen I began to read the Bible and some Christian literature on my own initiative, and then it dawned on me that there was more to religion than the all-important "purity" (i.e. not doing or thinking anything remotely sexual) and observance of Sabbath. (Any trespasses on these two areas were "mortal sins", which means they send you straight to hell, no questions asked, if you don't repent and confess, so you'd better not mess around.) I moved on towards an ever more liberal understanding of Christianity. Then the inevitable crises of faith came about, punctuating my spiritual search ever since. When fear of damnation ceased to be the driving force behind my religiosity several other motivations took over its function, such as inertia, dissatisfaction with the material and pragmatic side of reality, curiosity, the need to find the truth, fear of death. I then discovered Eastern spiritual traditions, especially Buddhism, but the furthest I got was just considering myself a half-Buddhist for some time.

Running parallel to my spiritual longing I've always had a sceptical outlook on things. In my school years my Christian faith somehow managed to completely bypass that scepticism. I was one of those believers that are so sure of their truths that regard them as self-evident, and will passionately argue anything with anyone, sometimes being right (about the conclusions, if not so much about the arguments) and more often just talking a lot of embarrassing guff. What a little Catholic fundamentalist I was! But still I believed in reason, in science. I was almost as scientific-minded as youth and religious indoctrination permitted. I must confess that when my fanaticism eased off a bit I remained for many years open to the possible existence of pretty far out stuff, but that was the best I could do in an time when Wikipedia didn't exist. What made me a ‘true sceptic’ is that I never settled down for almost-completely-convincing truths. If there was any room for doubt, I would sooner or later doubt. Inevitably, all the religions, traditions, call it what you like, that I have got to know have eventually disappointed me.

At this moment I find it hard to believe in, or even be inspired by, anything spiritual, but at the same time I badly need faith and inspiration. My hope is that I'll be able to cultivate (or stumble upon, that would do just as well) some kind of understanding of existence (myself, the world, the meaning of life, and all the rest of it) that is spiritually satisfying while standing the test of science and rationality. As I see it, science is but a very refined, powerful and intellectually honest method to aid us in the search for truth; it is a safeguard against some of our intellectual shortcomings. One of its aims is to ensure that we don't fool ourselves. Abandoning science would amount to giving up the search for truth. It might not look pretty, but if we are serious about spirituality (which, as I understand it, means, among things, pursuing the truth) we must take science equally seriously. On the other hand, one should examine very carefully the philosophical claims, allegedly supported by scientific evidence, made by some materialist particularly in the subject of philosophy of mind.

During the last year I've been writing an MA dissertation that has given me the perfect excuse to spend hours on end on the Internet feeding both my spiritual and sceptical selves. I've been particularly interested in Eastern spiritual traditions (usually as interpreted by Western minds), philosophy of mind, neuroscience, and the sceptical and secular humanist movement. I've read and listened to more stuff than I can possibly have digested. And that's where this blog comes into the picture: it is meant to be a way of sharing my sceptical-spiritual search, of making me think things through and give my insights some intelligible form. There comes a point when lying on the sofa listening to hours on end of podcasts is no longer stimulating. I need to do something with all the information I'm force-feeding my brain. And if I manage to write something that some people find interesting, well, that’d be great too.